Had S.L. today w the old folks.
horribly uncomfortable throughout.

Disappointed w myself that i did not have the courage to speak to the elderly. I could not go beyond my fear to even reach out to them.

---


It seems as though the whole world has left me in a ditch to die.

what am i doing wrong?

What can i do right?

at this rate, i'm going to have a miserable year to go.

I can't keep lying to myself that next year will be better, will be different, that I will be able to start anew.

My life is wasting away, what am i doing by sacrificing year after year?

It seems so foolish,

but gawd, i don't know what to do, how to do it,

and worse I feel like I am supportless.

People say they'll be there for you that kinda thing,

but really,

how many are that willing and patient to listen to something they can't identify with.

and how many are going to listen without being judgemental?

I guess that's what i'm most fearful of.

scrutiny,criticism

or worse, dismissal.

Though technically, i know,

that i have the 'right' to be my own person.

that i don't have to care about people's opinions.

but oh.

how i'd like to truly believe so!

somehow, although we fight for what we believe is our right, for our own independence

from the general society

is it possible to isolate ourselves from Their expectations?

...

I guess not.

And so,

I'll need to conform.

but that's not the issue.

the problem is,

I can't do it.


and why !!


This affliction is going to make me lose my sanity.

(or maybe i have?)

---


anw, perhaps its just a simple answer to the perennial question.

perhaps I just simply am not made for it.

don't have the brains,

don't have the wit,

don't have any qualities.

so just ignore me,

cos i asked for it.

perhaps its my own doing.

perhaps its just the way i am.

I can't figure this out.

I can't untie this knot.

maybe i should cut it with scissors.

or maybe not.